ok so yesterday evening, after my physics test. I was seriously in a bad mood. I was like….. Camp was cancelled. The teens were complaining. The haze (which caused camp to be cancelled) was barely even 200… Physics test was horrible. My nose was just drooling with mucus. I just wanted to willow in bed (in the west).
But I just had the desire to want answers. Answers to why was camp cancelled. Why did the psi have to hit 400 (our threshold) when the decision was to be made? Was there sth wrong in the camp? Me? I should have skipped the test to say camp was to carry on. Loads of what ifs, what could have been done, etc. Basically, I needed someone or sth to blame this on. So after much fighting w myself, I decided to go to the adoration room in HFC.
I had some wise words with two great friends first. But it wasn’t enough. So I went and sat down to think. But my mind was blank and was in such a daze. Just stoning. You know, after all the effort and sacrifice I went through, He just had to cancel it.
After a while I decided(or rather prompted) to do vespers. So took out my phone to read. The psalms didn’t mean much. Loads of praises. Which I couldn’t connect to. But the reading really struck me.
‘My brothers, you will always have your trials but, when they come, try to treat them as a happy privilege; you understand that your faith is only put to the test to make you patient, but patience too is to have its practical results so that you will become fully-developed, complete, with nothing missing.’ James 1:2-4 (may now be one of my favourite verses)
I was taken aback. Such words and so precise. So I reflected and realised that I learnt a lot during the journey of planning. With all the quarrels, fine-tuning, God was there chiselling part by part, molding me closer into his image and likeness. And I had to respond. I had to surrender knowing that God knows what’s best for me. From the words of this friend (paraphrased), ‘as humans, we’re so fixated on the small things, that we forget God sees the overall picture’
So I laid down in cruciform in surrender to God.